


The Hardest Thing to Say

by serohtonin



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2018-01-20 10:26:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1507142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darren has a stunning realization about Chris.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hardest Thing to Say

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in December 2013, during/after [this](http://somethingdarrencrissish.tumblr.com/post/69608375649/you-smile-i-smile) event. Title taken from Darren's song "Words."
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything mentioned and the events surrounding this real-life event never happened.

High on performing and having Chris so close to him, Darren pulls Chris backstage after the tribute to Jane.

Darren's still clutching Chris' tie when he breathlessly says, "Come home with me."

It isn't a question, since they've been doing this for so long now. They don't really label it as dating, and they're not exclusive; they usually hook up on nights like this, when the electricity crackling between them becomes too bright to ignore.

Darren's chest tightens when Chris' blue eyes crinkle at his suggestion.

"Of course," Chris answers breathlessly.

____

They exchange glances the rest of the night when they think no one's looking, though every single fellow cast member catches them at least once.

Chris and Darren are too excited to even notice or care.

After the event, Darren approaches his front door when he sees a smirking Chris already waiting for him there.

"What took you so long?" Chris asks cheekily.

Darren only answers with a laugh as he fumbles to open the door.

When they're safely inside, Chris grabs his tie and murmurs between kisses, "Couldn't stop thinking about you, about _this,_ all night."

"Fuck. Me neither," Darren manages while Chris' lips trail down his neck. "God, I've missed y--this."

"Bedroom?" Chris asks into Darren's skin.

Darren leads them there backward, while Chris unties the knot on Darren's tie and then unbuttons his shirt.

Chris pushes Darren down on the bed and makes Darren watch him undress.

The smirk from earlier returns to Chris' face as he strips off his jacket, carefully draping it over Darren's dresser. He slowly untucks and unbuttons his shirt, and then lets it fall to the floor.

Darren can't help working his hand into his pants, not breaking his gaze with Chris, who's still standing across the room.

"Just, c'mere," Darren urges frustratedly.

"Enjoying the show?" Chris chuckles, shimmying out of his pants and underwear.

"You're an asshole," Darren grins.

"Huh." Chris cocks his head and struts over to the bed. "Usually that's my line."

Darren's ready with a witty retort, but it dies on his tongue when Chris crawls on top of him and kisses him.

Chris slips Darren's shirt off, and grabs Darren's hand from his cock.

"C'mon, lemme," Chris breaks off, kissing down Darren's chest. "Wanna taste you."

Darren fists one hand in his sheets and the other in Chris' stiff, soon-to-be-not-so-perfectly coiffed hair, urging him downward.

Chris obliges, pulling Darren's pants down and mouthing at his thighs.

"You're such a goddamn tease," Darren groans.

Chris looks up through hooded lashes, his cheeks blushing beautifully. "You love it."

"I love y--" Darren swallows. "I do. Fuck, I hate it when you're right."

If Chris hears Darren's slip of the tongue, he doesn't acknowledge it. Instead he jerks Darren off, teasing him with a few random kisses to the head of his cock, until Darren's fully erect.

"Yes _, Chris,"_ Darren moans when Chris finally sinks down onto him.

Chris unhinges his jaw and takes him in further.

When Darren bucks his hips, he feels Chris' chin hit his balls.

"Sorry, you're so _, unhh,_ fucking good at this."

Chris pulls back to suck right under the head, and cup Darren's balls, the way he knows Darren likes.

"Shit. I'm gonna--" Darren starts, gripping Chris' hair and forcing him further down.

Chris gags a little, but doesn't fight it, only sucks harder and keeps playing with Darren's balls.

Chris' thumb sweeps over Darren's asshole, and Darren comes with a low groan.

Chris swallows him down completely, pulls off with a lewd pop, and wipes his mouth. "Y'know, you didn't last too long this time."

"With you, I can't help it," Darren grins cheekily.

Chris sighs and rolls his eyes, taking himself in hand.

Darren's cock twitches as he stares at Chris' slackening jaw and half-closed eyes.

"God, you're so--" Darren starts, when he realizes that tonight is the most relaxed, and beautiful, he's ever seen Chris, a constant smile softening the hard, tense lines of his face.

Chris looked every bit his age, and yet, Darren could still see traces of the young man that captivated him not so many years ago.

To physically witness those changes firsthand, and to become intimately acquainted with them, has been something magical that Darren would never trade for anything, and he hopes he's lucky enough to see all the ways Chris will change in the future, and all the ways he probably won't, because he's so damn stubborn, but, maybe, if Darren can get him to smile like that more often--

Oh, God.

It strikes him that he doesn't want anyone else to make Chris smile like that, or to make Chris' mouth fall open in ecstasy, like it is now.

Suddenly, Darren's whole body stiffens; there's sweat dripping along his brow, and his vision blurs, until he sees nothing but Chris - memories of ice skating and stage kisses, of Chris stirring pasta on the stove and throwing a comforting gaze Darren's way, and then a vision of some future where they're waking up together, blinking away the brightness of dawn with lazy touches and kisses.

This thing with Chris was supposed to be breezy and fun, not foster feelings of forever that Darren's not ready to give.

"Fuck," Darren curses, back to reality when Chris' come hits his bare stomach.

Chris finishes and looks at him with a wicked smile. "Well, I was hoping for that later, if you can handle it."

"Yeah, yeah," Darren murmurs distractedly while Chris settles himself over Darren's heart.

"You okay?" Chris asks, lips brushing against Darren's skin.

"I, um--Yeah."

"Wow. Was I really that mind-blowing that I rendered you speechless?"

"Kinda," Darren chuckles half-heartedly with a kiss to Chris' hair. "I think I'll need more than a minute to recover."

"Good, 'cause I'm beat. It's been a long day. Sleep first, yeah?"

"Sure."

Chris drifts off, gently snoring as Darren rubs his back, but Darren stays awake.

There's nowhere else he'd rather be, appreciating this soft, quiet moment, the peaceful eye of the storm, before Chris leaves him again and they return to whatever they are in the light of day.

He can't tell Chris that his affections have grown deeper than just fondness and physical appreciation; he doesn't think he could explain it very well if he tried.

How can he say that Chris jumpstarts his heart better than a morning coffee?

How can he say that even when Chris is mocking him, he never wants Chris to close his mouth, except to kiss him senseless?

How can he say that Chris shifted his whole world upside down, but also somehow seemed to right it again, until the things that had been off-center slowly seemed to click into place?

Darren's pretty sure that any of those explanations could never quite sum up his feelings accurately.

He sighs, as Chris stirs a little against him, and decides against sleeping in favor of feeling Chris nestled against him, comfortable and so much more gorgeous in his vulnerable, sleep-softened state.

Darren concentrates on the stillness around him, the only sounds their breathing and their heartbeats. He touches Chris' wrist, the other man's pulse a slow, steady thump under his skin; conversely, Darren's own pulse pounds in his ears deafeningly, but not enough to quiet thoughts of how badly he craves having Chris like this for the rest of his life.

He curses, gently nudging the now-stifling weight of Chris' body off of him until they're no longer entwined.

Chris doesn't seem at all fazed, instead settling onto his stomach, and turning his face away from Darren to bury it into a pillow.

Darren can never confess anything to Chris, not when his feelings could merely be a result of getting swept up in their intense physical connection. In the daylight, his heart will change, or at least, Darren convinces himself that it will.

He lays on his side and kisses Chris' shoulder, and then closes his eyes, fighting the urge to nestle into Chris and breathe in his scent.

Instead, he sits up to pull on a pair of boxers and find his guitar, a faithful friend in times like these.

A tune he wrote not too long ago falls from his fingertips and lips:

" _[I used to be specific and be explicit with every thought I'd contemplate.](http://somethingdarrencrissish.tumblr.com/post/53377740943/darren-criss-words-acoustic-live-at-nouveau) Do you have any idea what it's like to feel somethin' you just can't articulate? There ain't a noun that I've heard, adjective or verb, good enough for you..."_

He keeps playing the chords, but lets the words die in his throat.

Chris isn't his, not really, and he never can be.

Still, Darren sits outside the door and plays until his fingers bleed and darkness around him morphs into early morning.

Somewhere in the haze, the melody devolves into random strumming and humming, until Darren's eyes start drooping.

Then, a hand gently taps his shoulder.

"Hey. You alright?"

It's Chris, whom he left asleep in his bed, staring at him in concern.

"Yeah," Darren lies through a yawn. "Just couldn't sleep."

"So, of course, you're playing. I shouldn't be surprised. Got any new stuff?"

"Meh, not really. Perfecting some old stuff, actually."

Chris sits down next to him, still completely naked. "Ah, I see. You don't really need to do that, though. Your stuff's great as it is."

"I feel the same about your writing, man, but mine could stand some tweaking."

"True," Chris smirks, bumping Darren's arm. "Do you wanna get some food or something? Then, we can, um, go back to bed, maybe?"

"I'm not really hungry, but that second part sounds amazing. Lead the way, good sir."

 _One last time,_ Darren thinks, _and then I'll let him go._

"Alright, then. I shall do that," Chris gets up, "but only because I know you wanna stare at my ass."

"Ah, you know me too well."

Darren smiles, appreciating the view as Chris struts past him on his way to Darren's bed.

Then he sets his guitar in the corner before stripping off his underwear and climbing on top of Chris.

"Gonna ride you," Darren declares, sealing his words with a deep kiss.

"Well, I won't argue with that," Chris utters breathlessly.

Darren grabs the lube from his drawer, thrusting it into Chris' palm. "Open me up?"

Darren's never bottomed like this before, not in a position where Chris could see every emotion flitting over his face.

Suddenly, Darren's whole body tenses against Chris' chest, but, if this is the last time, he might as well let Chris see the effect he has, even if Chris doesn't feel the same.

Chris cups Darren's cheek tenderly. "Hey, of course I will."

Darren kisses him softly in response, while Chris wraps a hand around Darren's cock.

Chris keeps jerking him off until Darren pulls away to pant into Chris' shoulder, "Yeah, unhh, yes, Chris."

"Fuck. That's it, babe," Chris murmurs affectionately, and then flips them so that Darren's flat on his back.

"Open your legs for me," Chris urges, his breath hot in Darren's ear.

Darren bends his knees and plants his feet flat against the mattress, spreading his legs a little wider.

Chris sits up and coats his fingers in lube, rubbing them together before pressing one inside.

Darren winces at the intrusion, but focuses on Chris' steel blue eyes, full of concentration and tenderness.

Darren has to close his eyes then.

As Chris works his finger inside, Darren clenches around him.

"More," Darren breathes out.

"Relax, Dare," Chris assures him, rubbing his thumb in circles on the inside of Darren's knee.

Darren takes a deep breath, and then he's empty, but only for a few moments, until there are two digits inside of him, hitting the spot that makes him cry out.

When Chris adds a third finger, Darren feels impossibly full.

"C'mon, Chris. Fuck me."

With his fingers thrusting inside, Chris leans down to whisper gruffly in Darren's ear, "Oh, I intend to."

"Trust me," Chris adds with another thrust, "when I'm done," then another, "you will be thoroughly fucked," and once more.

Chris pulls out again, reaching over to where he knows Darren keeps his condoms, when Darren can't help stealing a glance.

Chris is sex-flushed, and so gorgeous, and they're barely getting started.

How is Darren going to give him up?

"What?" Chris asks through a grin.

"Nothing. Just," Darren licks his lips and grins back slyly, "you're really hot."

Chris stares straight at him, while he tears open the foil with his teeth. "You're damn right I am."

Darren's answering chuckle turns to a sharp exhale as the blunt head of Chris' dick presses inside.

Darren takes a deep breath through his mouth, letting Chris in further.

"Fuck, you always feel so good," Chris confesses once he's in to the hilt, lips brushing against Darren's cheek.

Darren bites his own lip, dangerously close to spilling something similar about how right this all feels, how he could spend the rest of his life like this and it would never be enough.

Instead, he lets out a breath, replying quietly, "Yeah. You can, um, move."

Chris slowly drags out and pushes back in a few times, until Darren finds himself desperately pleading, "Oh, God. Touch me."

Chris does, and starts to babble while he builds a rhythm, "You love this, don't you? Love the way I make you fall apart."

"Oh, oh fuck," Darren moans in response when his head bangs against the headboard on a particularly hard thrust.

"Yeah, that's it," Chris grunts. "So fucking hot."

Though his thighs are shaking already, Darren gathers the strength to flip them over so that Chris is lying flat.

Shock flits across Chris' features for a moment, and then an easy smile settles there, and it kind of makes Darren's heart ache, until he focuses on the present task.

"My turn," Darren tells him, readjusting himself when Chris slides out a little, and then, experimentally rolling his hips. "Can't have you doing all the work."

"How _, unhh,_ considerate of you, Dare."

Darren steadies a hand on Chris' stomach to lift himself up. "I'm a nice _\- fuck -"_ he lowers himself back down, the change in angle hitting that perfect spot, "a nice guy."

Chris pulls his hand from Darren's dick and fists the sheets instead. "Okay, then. Work," Chris challenges, chest heaving and shining with sweat in the pre-dawn light.

Of course, Darren listens, grinding his hips forward in slow circles.

"Yeah. Yes," Chris praises. "Just like that."

Darren continues moving, while studying Chris' face as it scrunches in pleasure, so he can pull the memory out when he's alone and desperate, and thinking of calling Chris for a quick fuck.

But he doesn't want just that anymore; he also wants to take his time navigating every line of muscle in Chris' back with his mouth and his hands, to whisper into his skin how much he really matters, has always mattered as long as Darren has known him.

He wants too much.

So he watches, his own orgasm close to the surface.

"Unhh, ohh," Darren breathes out as Chris grabs his hips, effectively stilling his movements.

"Darren," Chris says gruffly, his icy blues piercing Darren's warm hazel. "Come for me."

Like a string being stretched too tight, Darren's body goes taut, and then breaks apart at Chris' words, releasing all over Chris' chest.

One more weak roll of Darren's hips, and he collapses on top of Chris and the sticky mess.

"You can _, unhh,_ keep fucking me," Darren encourages while trying to catch his breath.

Chris squeezes Darren's hips and in one swift move, rolls Darren onto his back again, remaining inside him, and continuing to fuck into his spent body.

Darren closes his eyes, ready to drift into sleep, until Chris stills above him and whispers Darren's name.

It makes Darren's heart fly into his throat, but he doesn't say anything, only strokes his fingers through Chris' hair and briefly cups his cheek.

Darren relishes in the warm weight pressing on top of him while Chris stays there after he pulls out and not-so-carefully tosses the condom aside.

They stay silent and entwined for a few moments, and then, Chris rolls off of him.

Darren already misses him.

"Guess I should go home and change before work, unless I wanna go in there looking my black tie best," Chris laughs, "Even though I'd be minus the tie and a bit more rumpled. It might be black tie worst, actually."

Darren wants to tell Chris to shower here, to get ready together, and borrow some random clothes that Chris can change out of when he arrives on set.

But he doesn't.

"Huh, yeah," Darren chuckles. "Can you stay a little longer?" he asks before he can even realize, but then quickly recovers with, "I mean, we never just hang out anymore."

"Darren Criss, are you saying you want to cuddle with me?" Chris responds with a snicker.

"Yeah, I mean, I know we don't really have time, but--"

"Dare, it's okay. You always get all cuddly after sex. It's kinda cute. C'mere."

Despite his early promise to himself about letting go, Darren settles into Chris' arms, pillowing his head on Chris' chest.

At least he can pretend that he's someone else, that he can be with Chris the way he wants, for a little bit longer.

"What have I done to deserve someone so awesome in my life?" Darren wonders aloud.

"I don't know. You're a lucky bastard," Chris answers, combing through Darren's hair.

"Mmm," Darren hums. "Maybe."

 _But I can't have what I want most,_ he thinks.

Darren closes his eyes for a second and nearly drifts off, but he doesn't want to miss the warmth of Chris' body against his own.

There will be plenty of time for that.

"Hey, Chris?"

"Mmm, what?"

Darren briefly thinks of asking Chris if he feels the same, if he thinks of moments like this when he's with other people, but the words die on his tongue.

"Nothing. I just--nothing," Darren answers.

"You sure? C'mere."

Their lips meet for a kiss, and again, Darren dreams of waking up like this, without either of them having to sneak off or end their days with other people.

But that doesn't stop Darren from whispering against Chris' lips when they part.

"I can't do this."

"What?"

"This," he kisses Chris again anyway. "We should stop."

"Yeah. Don't wanna start something you can't finish," Chris murmurs against Darren's lips lazily.

"That's not what I mean. Maybe we shouldn't do this whole fuckbuddy thing anymore."

Chris' face falls and Darren feels his heart shattering. "I thought it was working out alright for both of us."

"It's not. It's too much of a distraction and I can't handle lying about it. It's only a matter of time before we get caught," Darren sort of lies, and hopes Chris buys it.

"We've been careful so far, though," Chris reasons, his hand falling away from where it rests on Darren's waist.

"But how much longer can we keep it up? I mean, earlier tonight, if someone heard--"

"Then, we'd pay them not to talk. No one would actually believe them, anyway. That's what publicists are for."

"But I don't wanna live like that, looking over my shoulder every time we fuck around."

"That never bothered you before. It didn't bother you tonight when a lot of people could've seen us."

Darren blanches. "I wasn't thinking. I let you cloud my judgment."

"I'm sorry, but you do the same to me, too, y'know," Chris snaps. "Don't act like this is my fault."

"I-I never said that."

"Maybe I should go," Chris says quietly, sitting up to gather his clothes and change.

"Chris, wait."

Darren scrambles for something else to tell him, but he can't reveal the truth, so he quickly shuts his mouth.

It's better that Chris leaves, which is exactly Darren's aim, anyway, but it doesn't lessen the heartache.

"No. You said you wanted to be done. Well, we're done," Chris replies with such resignation as he hastily throws on his shoes and storms out the door.

"Damn it," Darren curses to himself. "That was too fucking easy."

\----

It doesn't feel easy seeing Chris on set that week.

Chris' "friend," one that Darren is sure that Chris has hooked up with, lurks around Chris' trailer more often, and Chris actually seems happy around him.

It feels like a self-inflicted stab wound to the chest every time he hears Chris' laugh, knowing that another guy is probably the cause.

But it's Darren own fault, so he swallows it down until Christmas break, and tries to forget by spending time with his family.

\----

A tight hug from Darren's mother, and a good meal from his dad, warms his heart.

However, he sets eyes on Chuck, his beautiful wife and daughter in tow, and it tugs at Darren a bit.

It's great to see his brother so utterly content, but he can't help thinking of how this could be his future, without Chris.

Would Darren beam as bright as Chuck is right now?

Darren almost immediately thinks that he wouldn't. He'd try to find some semblance of happiness, and maybe it would work, for a while, but he'd probably lie awake at night, wondering what Chris was doing.

As soon as he gets back to L.A., and back to Chris, he knows what he has to do.

\----

In late December, Darren knocks on Chris' door, hoping he's not entertaining anyone.

When Chris finally opens up, Darren greets him with, "Hey. Is now a bad time to, um, talk?"

"About us? You made our situation pretty clear, so, yes, it is."

"Actually, I didn't. Please, let me in," Darren implores.

Chris searches Darren's face, and then answers coldly, "Fine. Let's talk, but don't take too long."

He brushes past Chris and makes his way to the couch, where Chris joins him.

"I don't wanna hook up with you anymore," Darren sighs.

Chris chuckles wrly. "Driving all the way over here to tell me something I already know. Thanks, Dare."

"Wait, you don't understand. What I mean is, I can't just hook up. I want you _, all of you._ If you'll still have me. The whole looking over my shoulder thing was a lame excuse because I was fucking terrified of telling you the truth."

Chris scoots a little closer, but not close enough to touch. "So, what changed?"

Darren looks into Chris' impatient blue eyes, and admits, "When I picture the rest of my life, most of it is a blur, except for you."

Chris stares at him in disbelief. _"What?"_

Darren presses closer, laying a hand on Chris' knee. "It sounds ridiculous, but I swear, I'm not lying anymore. I don't want to."

Chris glances down at the touch warily. "How can I trust you when you pushed me out the door, Darren? Is it supposed to be some Christmas miracle that you suddenly decided you're in love with me?"

"First of all, I didn't push you away. You left on your own, and I didn't _decide_ anything. I finally got my head out of my ass and realized that we could have something real."

"Sneaking around all the time and never having an actual date? That really has a future," Chris retorts.

"It could, if we work at it," Darren squeezes Chris' hand, "because what we have is so fucking amazing, and if I have to sneak around, I will. You're that important to me."

Chris swallows, his jaw quivering.

"Look, we can tell the people who matter, when we get there," Darren continues. "It doesn't have to be like before. I'll make you dinner, and we can actually talk about things. It'll be more difficult, but it'll better. I want this. I want you so much."

Chris sighs. "What if we crash and burn?"

"We can say we tried, and tolerate each other until we don't have to work together anymore, but we won't have to wonder if we missed out on something really special."

"When did you have time to think about this?"

"I didn't have to. I just knew. Maybe I've always known."

When there's a brief silence, Darren fears that an incredulous Chris will kick him out.

But then, Chris laughs under his breath, and asks, "What if _I_ want to make dinner for _you?"_

Darren chuckles in relief, rubbing his thumb over the back of Chris' hand. "That works, too, but, I have a lot to make up for, so I call first dibs."

"You mean, you'll order takeout from your favorite Thai place, and pretend that you made it from scratch."

"I can actually cook a few things, Chris. The next night we're both free, I'll prove it to you."

"Like a date?"

"Exactly like a date."

Darren cups Chris' cheek with his free hand and pulls him in for a kiss.

"Okay," Chris breathes out when they separate.

"Okay," Darren grins in reply, glad he finally found the words he needed to make Chris stay with him.

They weren't those _three little words,_ not yet, but they were definitely a good start.


End file.
